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Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Just why bro?!
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
This might be the funniest tweet ever
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.