My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
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Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.