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Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]