8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
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Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
I’ve been drinking.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
buys donuts instead
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato