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Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
We’ve all been there
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
dude it’s called proctologist
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!