me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
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my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her