We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
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4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Hell yeah 👍
I want to meet the individual who made this
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Best misinterpreted text ever!
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Solving a traffic jam
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.