Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
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‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
no such thing as a dumb question
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.