me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
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Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?