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just witnessed a drug deal
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
🤔😂😂
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok