French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
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Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
This came to me in a dream.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!