The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
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Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
A short story of betrayal:
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks