I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
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me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous