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8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.