if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
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INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
forgive me baja for i have blast
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier