if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
![]()
You Might Also Like
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
![]()
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
My life coach traded me.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.