customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
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Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
White parent Vs Arab parents
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
I hope they boil the right one.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect