My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
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Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.