Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
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The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?