being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
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I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*