When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
You Might Also Like
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30