God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
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the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
crochet youtube is brutal
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine