Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
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Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Meow
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.