[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
You Might Also Like
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
This is true.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.