My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
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*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
What’s a Messi?
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
every single time
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.