Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
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me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler