Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
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Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.