Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
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Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car