Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
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I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Not even remotely sorry.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.