My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
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Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
My therapist after every session
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.