Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
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My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
You are what you delete.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
this is funnier than any friends episode
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
yes yes a thousand times yes!
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”