I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
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Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.