I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
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Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
@funTweeters
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.