Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
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I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
every single time
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card