My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
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I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
😂😂😂
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah