*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
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Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
NASA has no chill
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
good work, everybody