It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
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*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific