I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
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Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Monday?
No. Next question.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Hard not to take this personally
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
lmfao