Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
You Might Also Like
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k