I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Poetry is my passion
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
This took me a second..
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.