I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
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It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
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I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
A dad and his duck
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
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I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.