One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
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All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
when someone rings the doorbell
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape