The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
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If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*