@cravin4

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

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@PnkRckrSheena

Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.

@bridger_w

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

@baddanadanabad

girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”

@MomofTeen

My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.

@brianbowman73

Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.

Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…

Interviewer: Strengths?

Me: Vocabulary?

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: People are coming over tomorrow

Me: We should clean today

Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?

Me: We should clean tomorrow

@solommb

My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.

@rajandelman

My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search

@IamJackBoot

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.

@AaronFullerton

“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”