Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
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If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”