Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
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My dress code is business-casualty.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I love art.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
no regrets
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear