my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
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{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”