These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
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Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
how high up are we talkin’?
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.