I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
You Might Also Like
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”