Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
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Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
How I’d get arrested…
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.