Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
You Might Also Like
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.