This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
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I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.