History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
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Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.