just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
You Might Also Like
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.